Plans or No Plans but Second Hand Can

This is kind of a different post than I might usually write. These thoughts have been on my mind for a while and I am finally deciding to sit down and get them down. As many of you might know, little John came along at what most would call an inconvenient time. At the time, we were living in Montana as volunteers, we didn't have jobs and ended up driving across the country to move home and start over. Foolish? Irresponsible? Never. We have trusted God throughout this season more than we have in our entire lives and He has shown nothing but faithfulness. When I look at John and see the joy he brings to our family and any other strangers he flashes his smile to, I can't help but think that we are the foolish ones to think we can plan out our lives as if we are in control.
I do believe in planning. We make plans every day and plans allow society to function. God himself had a great plan and he is in the process of carrying it out. I once heard that "God is more concerned about His will for your life than we are in finding it" and it's true. In the end, if our plans don't work out everything's going to be ok.
   Changing gears. Once we got settled in Virginia and began preparing for John's arrival we learned  about all the baby things that we needed...or thought we needed. According to Babies R'Us and websites such as BabyCenter, you are a terrible mom if you don't have a bottle sterilizer and a wipe warmer. Ironically, most baby items that may be helpful to one baby were not to ours. He hated the swing, he hated the vibrator seat, and he doesn't particularly like being "worn" much either.

Mainly, Johnny just wants to jump.

We do have an old-school "Johnny Jump Up" and it has a semi-girly pattern. John doesn't care about the flowers or that it was used a few times. John cares that it allows him to jump so high it could make a mother sweat. My point in saying this is a) you don't need all the things people tell you you need and b) it's a smart move to buy them second hand. Chances are the baby that used the swing before you only sat in it about 7 times. If you are weirded out by used things then that's ok- you probably won't want to read this list. BUT if you are having a baby, don't mind buying used items and are trying to be wise- check this out. In the end I'd much rather donate the swing back to the thrift store for someone else to use and have lost $10 bucks than spent $60 and find out my child is not a fan.

So here's a list of all the baby items that we own, and do use for the most part, that are not "new", again these are all in great condition. There are great deals out there!

1.Crib- it was given to us free from our church because the sides still have the ability to slide down. Excellent condition. The fix? Take a screwdriver and some screws and stabilize the sides. Done.

2. Johnny Jump up- $8 excellent condition, just a little girly. New- $45-$60.

3. Chico Travel system from 2010- $150 off Craigs List. Half the price of what it costs new. Excellent condition. One owner- a nurse with a 10 month old who outgrew it. Non- smoking home, no accidents, just a baby that grew up. Not even expired (what does that even mean? why do they create car seats that will expire in the first place?)

4.Baby Jogger- free from a preschooler's mom who has no use for it anymore. Good condition, the canvas is a bit worn from the sun but completely functional AND goes on the beach. Oh yeah, free as opposed to $200.

5. Snap N'Go Stroller- A lifesaver. $25 from our church's thrift store. Excellent condition. New is $55 minimum.

6. Bumbo- borrowed from a friend for the small window of time it can be used. Thanks to Carly Funkhouser. Costs $40 new.

7. Clothing- Consignment stores, yard sales and thrift stores. All you have to do is check the butt and the chin area. It's amazing what you can find. For $1 I found a Polo winter sweater that still had the tags on it- $38 new. 

8. Bottle Warmer-$1 from a consignment sale. Good thing I only paid a dollar because I only used it twice. 

9. Bumpers- $8 from the thrift store. Excellent condition. Sailboat pattern from  Pottery Barn. New $70. 

10. Contour changing pad- $1 from the thrift store. It's basically foam with a vinyl covering. All you have to do is buy new covers. The actual changing pad is anywhere from $20 to $40 new....for a piece of foam.

11. Boppy pillow- $5 from the thrift store. There is an endless supply of Boppy's donated these days. All you have to do is check the actual pillow part and look for stains and make sure the pillow is hard and not worn down. I found 2 in excellent condition as well as a few covers. $40 for a new one with one cover. 

12. Changing Table- My brothers old dresser. Repainted it. Free

13. First Years Baby Bath tub- $5 from the thrift store. Looks like it was hardly used. New- $20 to $50 depending on features. 

14. Sealy Crib Mattress- $35 from a consignment sale. Some may be skeptical of a used mattress. Just check the brand, the year and the firmness. I personally don't think an infant can really be heavy enough to make a permanent sink hole in a mattress. New can range anywhere from $70 to $300. 

15. Bassinet- Again, my youngest brother slept in this as a baby. It's a literal basket with a small mattress pad in it. My grandmother used to let her babies sleep in pulled out drawers- they all lived.

16. Chico High Chair- $28 from the thrift store. Excellent condition. Only a couple little stains on the belt. New is $150.

Firsts

    There are many "first times" we experience in life. First day of school, first kiss, etc... Sometimes these things you remember and sometimes you've purposely blocked them out. Whichever it is, there was a moment in time it happened once for the first time. When you have your first child it's like you get to start all over again. You see his first smile, hear his first laugh, smell his diaper after eating bananas for the first time and feel his first tooth pop up.

     One of the most memorable "firsts" for Brenden and I was taking John to the ocean and dipping his little toes in the water. It was almost like a christening or a rite of passage. He will never remember this and he didn't particularly like it either. Early May at the beach is not the best time to immerse yourself in the sea. However, it was a moment in time that we will always remember and the start to many memories to come. If i'm honest,  it feels like most of life is spent wishing for the past or longing for a better future. But once in a while you have those times when you know that the present moment is eternally significant. A moment you'll always look back on and a moment your former self would have wished for in the future. And in that moment all you can do is give thanks. This was one of them.

Reflections

Parenting is really hard to explain to someone who hasn't done it before. I am sure many people with kids told me that this time would be filled with tears of exhaustion and tears of joy. However, you can't know until you know yourself. All of the sudden it's like your eyes are peeled back and you are seeing life in a new way.

I am a fairly introverted person but now when I am out in public and I see a woman pushing a stroller with the infant seat attached, I don't hesitate to speak to her. It's like a code- an acknowledgement of each other and some kind of encouragement to press on through this war zone that you often feel you are in. We both know that it took the better part of the morning to get this kid ready to go out, much less yourself, and you were probably up till 3 a.m the night before crying because you feel like a human feeding station.

Although, it's not all just a war of exhaustion but one of love. I have discovered I have this need to protect, care for, comfort and satisfy this baby. I couldn't love anything more- and it scares me sometimes. It forces me to surrender and acknowledge who is really the parent of this child, the creator of his tiny finger nails and stomach that produces large amounts of gurgles. The artist who chose to give John blue eyes like his dad and reminds me of the ocean in the spring time when the air is warming up but the water still has a winter chill. And the One who had such humor to give him numerous facial expressions that make my own dad giddy with laughter.

I have seen two things happen in my relationship with God. The first is my weakness. I like to be independent, put together and self-sufficient. I don't like my feelings to show and in these last two months I have been forced to leave all pride at the door. Brenden has seen me at my worst and never have I felt so vulnerable. At 2 a.m when you have to call the doctor because the fever your child has feels like life or death and in the mornings when I look like hell, covered in spit up and other bodily juices! My reliance on God is more authentic these days. I have to trust Him when I can not help this crying baby..and yet, I have to trust Him even when I can. There is a misconception that I can do it, I can fix the problem. And when John looks at me and smiles, his whole face lights up. The joy he brings to us is indescribable. It's not something I could muster up on my own. Again, I am weak and helpless. I did nothing to create such a precious life. All is in God's hands.

The second thing I am learning, which might sound cliche, is the way God is our father, a good and perfect parent. As I took John for a walk the other day, I noticed the sun kept getting in his eyes, depending on the direction we went. It was interesting how he tried, even though strapped into his seat, to move his head and turn away from the sun. There was only so much he could do. Ultimately he depended on me to cover him. I moved my body back in forth so that my shadow could cover his face. It made me think of God. We squirm to try to find any sort of comfort on our own. Maybe we are unaware of our need for help or maybe we just don't want to ask. Maybe, we don't feel worthy enough to ask. In John's case, he was unable to ask but I knew what he needed, as my Father knows what I need. And sometimes we might just need to change our direction. But even when we chose to keep going one way, aware or unaware, God is actively moving so that our eyes can stay open to see all that's around us on our walk.

"It goes by so fast..."

Little John is 5 weeks old. It's really hard to believe that he has been here that long, and yet only that long. When I was pregnant I found many people telling me to "enjoy the pregnancy, it goes by so fast, soon he'll be here and you won't be able to sleep in anymore, you won't be able to have time with just your husband, etc...". Now John is here and he's in the prime of newborn-ness. He is precious and his tiny features blow my mind every time I examine them. The phrase "enjoy this time, it goes by so fast!" keeps repeating itself over and over. Not only from other people literally telling me this, but in my mind. The day to day can be tedious and tiring. I think there's a phrase "the days are long but the years are short". So yes, this is all true. Even at 3 in the morning when he's crying and wants to be walked around for 45 minutes before he even attempts to close his eyes, I try to remember to embrace this time. It's only been 5 weeks and seeing his little shirt he wore in the hospital makes me feel emotional. I already don't want him to grow up. However, I think there is a deeper desire I have, we all have.

There is one thing in common we all have, not just as parents who nostalgically long for the past when thier kids still had tiny fingernails and baby bird's hair, but the entire human race. We all pine for something. If you really think about it, it's simple. It's the reason we do what we do. We tend to live our lives in a constant, steady rush to fulfill and satisfy this longing. Sometimes there are seasons where this need is greater and we feel like we are scrambling around, rushing, going without stopping and sometimes there are seasons where things are slow, quiet and yet even still we are restless. There is a song I hear at church and the lyrics say " I am restless until I rest in You." We are all restless and as we live our lives together there seems to be a constant collision of emotions, actions, thoughts, words and stories about how we all just crave something more, something true and pure. Thankfully Jesus and his sacrifice and gift of eternal life is that thing, it is the only thing. No one seems to have found something other that can compare to this hope we have in Him. In only 27 years I have seen enough attempts by myself and others to know that anything but Him will fail and will disappoint us, leaving us with an even stronger need to satisfy this desire we all have.

And so its been a month with this baby boy. He will grow up and I will do my best to cherish the moments... only because I know I can't fully, and that's okay.

Welcome John Shepherd Koenig

Tuesday, January 10, 2012 at 10:32 a.m our son was born, John Shepherd Koenig. He has already met so many friends and family over this past week. It's amazing how in just a moments time you all of the sudden have this other life in yours and you are completely changed. A true miracle he is and we are so thankful that we get to finally know this little guy!