Reflections

Parenting is really hard to explain to someone who hasn't done it before. I am sure many people with kids told me that this time would be filled with tears of exhaustion and tears of joy. However, you can't know until you know yourself. All of the sudden it's like your eyes are peeled back and you are seeing life in a new way.

I am a fairly introverted person but now when I am out in public and I see a woman pushing a stroller with the infant seat attached, I don't hesitate to speak to her. It's like a code- an acknowledgement of each other and some kind of encouragement to press on through this war zone that you often feel you are in. We both know that it took the better part of the morning to get this kid ready to go out, much less yourself, and you were probably up till 3 a.m the night before crying because you feel like a human feeding station.

Although, it's not all just a war of exhaustion but one of love. I have discovered I have this need to protect, care for, comfort and satisfy this baby. I couldn't love anything more- and it scares me sometimes. It forces me to surrender and acknowledge who is really the parent of this child, the creator of his tiny finger nails and stomach that produces large amounts of gurgles. The artist who chose to give John blue eyes like his dad and reminds me of the ocean in the spring time when the air is warming up but the water still has a winter chill. And the One who had such humor to give him numerous facial expressions that make my own dad giddy with laughter.

I have seen two things happen in my relationship with God. The first is my weakness. I like to be independent, put together and self-sufficient. I don't like my feelings to show and in these last two months I have been forced to leave all pride at the door. Brenden has seen me at my worst and never have I felt so vulnerable. At 2 a.m when you have to call the doctor because the fever your child has feels like life or death and in the mornings when I look like hell, covered in spit up and other bodily juices! My reliance on God is more authentic these days. I have to trust Him when I can not help this crying baby..and yet, I have to trust Him even when I can. There is a misconception that I can do it, I can fix the problem. And when John looks at me and smiles, his whole face lights up. The joy he brings to us is indescribable. It's not something I could muster up on my own. Again, I am weak and helpless. I did nothing to create such a precious life. All is in God's hands.

The second thing I am learning, which might sound cliche, is the way God is our father, a good and perfect parent. As I took John for a walk the other day, I noticed the sun kept getting in his eyes, depending on the direction we went. It was interesting how he tried, even though strapped into his seat, to move his head and turn away from the sun. There was only so much he could do. Ultimately he depended on me to cover him. I moved my body back in forth so that my shadow could cover his face. It made me think of God. We squirm to try to find any sort of comfort on our own. Maybe we are unaware of our need for help or maybe we just don't want to ask. Maybe, we don't feel worthy enough to ask. In John's case, he was unable to ask but I knew what he needed, as my Father knows what I need. And sometimes we might just need to change our direction. But even when we chose to keep going one way, aware or unaware, God is actively moving so that our eyes can stay open to see all that's around us on our walk.